I have always been the type of person to dedicate my entire self, existence even, for something, whether it be school work, teams, even another person. I'm also the type of person that gets what she wants. But for the first time, I can honestly say that I don't know what those things are.
Recently I lost whom I thought was the love of my life (the "another person") and let me tell you, the last couple of months have been one heck of a ride. Constantly asking myself things like, "What the heck happened?" "Four years and there's a mere possibility of us getting back together in a year?" "Why didn't I end it before summer started, when I knew we'd be splitting the morning I left for college?" "How could you have underestimated the pain you'd feel?" Let me tell you, never have I felt so let down, disappointed, heartbroken, alone, unsure, unappreciated. Sure, I can listen to up-beat music to boost my spirits and foster thoughts of personal strength. Hearing "You deserve better," or, my personal favorite, "He doesn't know what he's missing" from friends/parents is annoying and aggravating. I find that I mostly feel these thoughts forming in my head when I'm on the run, especially when I'm walking to and from class. I put on my earphones and turn on music that temporarily brings me back from the dead. Notice the word temporary. As soon as I have a moment of silence, excluding the times when my head is buried in a book or I'm fast asleep, I feel sadness. Sadness for my lover, sadness for my awful transition into college, sadness for myself.
I was thrown into a hole the morning I left for college because all of the things I was certain of had quickly vanished. It's like I put all my hopes into a balloon and let them rise into the air, and it popped into a million little pieces. I know, this sounds a bit crazy, but it's how I felt. But there comes a point when the sadness has to stop, however. I'm acknowledging this sadness, and I think it's helping. I even feel selfish thinking these things (rightly so-everyone goes through these types of things), because I actually have a very good life, a very fortunate one. A family who cares about my well-being and is still supporting me after my 18th birthday, a few close friends (both new and old), access to a great college education, an ex 4-year relationship, a home close to college, all the food I could need.... I could keep going. But my point is that all of these things are wonderful, but somehow don't satisfy me. And the only reason I'm realizing these things is because my life has been turned upside down. I keep coming home for the weekends (or the big one- Thanksgiving) and feel sadness. There's something I'm missing. I'm trying my darnest to find it. Maybe it's God? What? Allie spoke the word God and didn't cringe away? Allie spoke the word God and it wasn't jumbled up in "Goddamnit!"
These are the things I hope to explore and document in my blog posts, I guess.
My old friend may be the only person I alert of this blog, and here's to him: My word to rid of is "unappreciated." Let's do that tonight.
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