"They come upon me all silent and menacing like Pinkerton Detectives, and they flank me - Depression on my left, Loneliness on my right. They don't need to show me their badges. I know these guys very well. We've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now.
Then they frisk me. They empty my pockets and any joy i had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity; but he always does that. Then loneliness starts interrogating me, which I dread because it always goes on for hours. He's polite but relentless, and he always trips me up eventually. He asks if I have any reason to be happy that I know of. He asks why I am all by myself tonight, yet again.
I walk back home, hoping to shake them, but they keep following me, these two goons. Depression has a firm hand on my shoulder and Loneliness harangues me with his interrogation. i don't even bother eating dinner; I don't want them watching me. I don't want to let them up the stairs to my apartment, either, but I know Depression, and he's got a billy club, so there's no stopping him from coming in if he decides that he wants to."
Why can't i shake this?
Why, why, why, I keep asking myself. Why can't I shake this feeling. Why can't I be in the same town as him? Why do I keep getting my hopes up, when, clearly, it is over? Why do I keep allowing myself to be disappointed?
The worst thing I can do is give him the opportunity to reach me. And I did it. Heartbroken again. I don't know what to do. This is the worst part of being home, I think. This feeling of irritability and unease. What the heck, it's Christmas. And yet, I feel nothing.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Why do we continuously rely on other people for happiness?
Dang, I do this way too often. I can't be by myself because I feel like I "need" to be with people, all the time. Last night (Friday nonetheless), I spent the night in my dorm room, skyping with some old friends. I stayed on skype until 3:30 in the morning because I couldn't bear the idea of spending my Friday night alone. I couldn't open a book and read, or a textbook and study, because I was afraid my roommate would bring friends up to my room and see me alone. Why can't I control my own happiness? I don't know the answer.
My relationship with the "another person" had rocky moments, I think, because I relied on him for my own happiness. I didn't pursue my own interests because he, essentially, was my everything. This is so dangerous! I was left with no hobbies! The objective of my first speech this semester was to inform the class about something I'm passionate about. You know what popped into my head at the time? My ex! Well, that was one heck of a low point in my life. And now, a whole 4 months later, I still don't know what those interests are. I'm trying to find them... but it's definitely hard.
Well, I know these things: I can't stand to stay in one place for very long, so I'm going to have to do some traveling in order for me to be content. I also want to fly. I also want to learn Italian. But dang, I sound like such a college kid! My thoughts are everywhere and I can't decide which ones are the most important! It's so frustrating. So... I think I have interests, but how do I start?
Last night, I cried out to God. I was under the bell tower, and I begged for peace. Begged for these screwed up thoughts to leave my head. Promised I would try to figure out what it means to be a Christian. I begged God to take away my dead heart. After I made it back, I got back on facebook, pursuing that horrible thing that God took away from me, and felt more pathetic. It's like God is showing me all of these things, and I'm denying the signs. I want to feel joy. Not happiness, but joy. I see that the people in CO have joy.
Not sure what this post was about. Confusion, I guess.
Dang, I do this way too often. I can't be by myself because I feel like I "need" to be with people, all the time. Last night (Friday nonetheless), I spent the night in my dorm room, skyping with some old friends. I stayed on skype until 3:30 in the morning because I couldn't bear the idea of spending my Friday night alone. I couldn't open a book and read, or a textbook and study, because I was afraid my roommate would bring friends up to my room and see me alone. Why can't I control my own happiness? I don't know the answer.
My relationship with the "another person" had rocky moments, I think, because I relied on him for my own happiness. I didn't pursue my own interests because he, essentially, was my everything. This is so dangerous! I was left with no hobbies! The objective of my first speech this semester was to inform the class about something I'm passionate about. You know what popped into my head at the time? My ex! Well, that was one heck of a low point in my life. And now, a whole 4 months later, I still don't know what those interests are. I'm trying to find them... but it's definitely hard.
Well, I know these things: I can't stand to stay in one place for very long, so I'm going to have to do some traveling in order for me to be content. I also want to fly. I also want to learn Italian. But dang, I sound like such a college kid! My thoughts are everywhere and I can't decide which ones are the most important! It's so frustrating. So... I think I have interests, but how do I start?
Last night, I cried out to God. I was under the bell tower, and I begged for peace. Begged for these screwed up thoughts to leave my head. Promised I would try to figure out what it means to be a Christian. I begged God to take away my dead heart. After I made it back, I got back on facebook, pursuing that horrible thing that God took away from me, and felt more pathetic. It's like God is showing me all of these things, and I'm denying the signs. I want to feel joy. Not happiness, but joy. I see that the people in CO have joy.
Not sure what this post was about. Confusion, I guess.
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