questions

"They come upon me all silent and menacing like Pinkerton Detectives, and they flank me - Depression on my left, Loneliness on my right. They don't need to show me their badges. I know these guys very well. We've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now.

Then they frisk me. They empty my pockets and any joy i had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity; but he always does that. Then loneliness starts interrogating me, which I dread because it always goes on for hours. He's polite but relentless, and he always trips me up eventually. He asks if I have any reason to be happy that I know of. He asks why I am all by myself tonight, yet again.

I walk back home, hoping to shake them, but they keep following me, these two goons. Depression has a firm hand on my shoulder and Loneliness harangues me with his interrogation. i don't even bother eating dinner; I don't want them watching me. I don't want to let them up the stairs to my apartment, either, but I know Depression, and he's got a billy club, so there's no stopping him from coming in if he decides that he wants to."

Why can't i shake this?

Why, why, why, I keep asking myself. Why can't I shake this feeling. Why can't I be in the same town as him? Why do I keep getting my hopes up, when, clearly, it is over? Why do I keep allowing myself to be disappointed?

The worst thing I can do is give him the opportunity to reach me. And I did it. Heartbroken again. I don't know what to do. This is the worst part of being home, I think. This feeling of irritability and unease. What the heck, it's Christmas. And yet, I feel nothing.

Why do we continuously rely on other people for happiness? 


Dang, I do this way too often. I can't be by myself because I feel like I "need" to be with people, all the time. Last night (Friday nonetheless), I spent the night in my dorm room, skyping with some old friends. I stayed on skype until 3:30 in the morning because I couldn't bear the idea of spending my Friday night alone. I couldn't open a book and read, or a textbook and study, because I was afraid my roommate would bring friends up to my room and see me alone. Why can't I control my own happiness? I don't know the answer.

My relationship with the "another person" had rocky moments, I think, because I relied on him for my own happiness. I didn't pursue my own interests because he, essentially, was my everything. This is so dangerous! I was left with no hobbies! The objective of my first speech this semester was to inform the class about something I'm passionate about. You know what popped into my head at the time? My ex! Well, that was one heck of a low point in my life. And now, a whole 4 months later, I still don't know what those interests are. I'm trying to find them... but it's definitely hard.

Well, I know these things: I can't stand to stay in one place for very long, so I'm going to have to do some traveling in order for me to be content. I also want to fly. I also want to learn Italian. But dang, I sound like such a college kid! My thoughts are everywhere and I can't decide which ones are the most important! It's so frustrating. So... I think I have interests, but how do I start?

Last night, I cried out to God. I was under the bell tower, and I begged for peace. Begged for these screwed up thoughts to leave my head. Promised I would try to figure out what it means to be a Christian. I begged God to take away my dead heart. After I made it back, I got back on facebook, pursuing that horrible thing that God took away from me, and felt more pathetic. It's like God is showing me all of these things, and I'm denying the signs. I want to feel joy. Not happiness, but joy. I see that the people in CO have joy.

Not sure what this post was about. Confusion, I guess.

Newbie

I've always been hesitant to express my thoughts on the web. Virtually anyone with access to a computer can view my latest posts, and this freaks me out a little. Nonetheless, a good friend of mine (whom I thankfully reunited with in the last month) showed me his and I got to thinking, why not try it? My life as I once knew it does not exist anymore, and I want some way to document my transition over the year. If this blog lasts that long. We'll see!

I have always been the type of person to dedicate my entire self, existence even, for something, whether it be school work, teams, even another person. I'm also the type of person that gets what she wants. But for the first time, I can honestly say that I don't know what those things are. 

Recently I lost whom I thought was the love of my life (the "another person") and let me tell you, the last couple of months have been one heck of a ride. Constantly asking myself things like, "What the heck happened?" "Four years and there's a mere possibility of us getting back together in a year?" "Why didn't I end it before summer started, when I knew we'd be splitting the morning I left for college?" "How could you have underestimated the pain you'd feel?" Let me tell you, never have I felt so let down, disappointed, heartbroken, alone, unsure, unappreciated. Sure, I can listen to up-beat music to boost my spirits and foster thoughts of personal strength. Hearing "You deserve better," or, my personal favorite, "He doesn't know what he's missing" from friends/parents is annoying and aggravating. I find that I mostly feel these thoughts forming in my head when I'm on the run, especially when I'm walking to and from class. I put on my earphones and turn on music that temporarily brings me back from the dead. Notice the word temporary. As soon as I have a moment of silence, excluding the times when my head is buried in a book or I'm fast asleep, I feel sadness. Sadness for my lover, sadness for my awful transition  into college, sadness for myself. 

I was thrown into a hole the morning I left for college because all of the things I was certain of had quickly vanished. It's like I put all my hopes into a balloon and let them rise into the air, and it popped into a million little pieces. I know, this sounds a bit crazy, but it's how I felt. But there comes a point when the sadness has to stop, however. I'm acknowledging this sadness, and I think it's helping. I even feel selfish thinking these things (rightly so-everyone goes through these types of things), because I actually have a very good life, a very fortunate one. A family who cares about my well-being and is still supporting me after my 18th birthday, a few close friends (both new and old), access to a great college education, an ex 4-year relationship, a home close to college, all the food I could need.... I could keep going. But my point is that all of these things are wonderful, but somehow don't satisfy me. And the only reason I'm realizing these things is because my life has been turned upside down. I keep coming home for the weekends (or the big one- Thanksgiving) and feel sadness. There's something I'm missing. I'm trying my darnest to find it. Maybe it's God? What? Allie spoke the word God and didn't cringe away? Allie spoke the word God and it wasn't jumbled up in "Goddamnit!" 

These are the things I hope to explore and document in my blog posts, I guess.

My old friend may be the only person I alert of this blog, and here's to him: My word to rid of is "unappreciated." Let's do that tonight.