questions

"They come upon me all silent and menacing like Pinkerton Detectives, and they flank me - Depression on my left, Loneliness on my right. They don't need to show me their badges. I know these guys very well. We've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now.

Then they frisk me. They empty my pockets and any joy i had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity; but he always does that. Then loneliness starts interrogating me, which I dread because it always goes on for hours. He's polite but relentless, and he always trips me up eventually. He asks if I have any reason to be happy that I know of. He asks why I am all by myself tonight, yet again.

I walk back home, hoping to shake them, but they keep following me, these two goons. Depression has a firm hand on my shoulder and Loneliness harangues me with his interrogation. i don't even bother eating dinner; I don't want them watching me. I don't want to let them up the stairs to my apartment, either, but I know Depression, and he's got a billy club, so there's no stopping him from coming in if he decides that he wants to."

Why can't i shake this?

Why, why, why, I keep asking myself. Why can't I shake this feeling. Why can't I be in the same town as him? Why do I keep getting my hopes up, when, clearly, it is over? Why do I keep allowing myself to be disappointed?

The worst thing I can do is give him the opportunity to reach me. And I did it. Heartbroken again. I don't know what to do. This is the worst part of being home, I think. This feeling of irritability and unease. What the heck, it's Christmas. And yet, I feel nothing.